If you’re a reader who follows this blog, you may have noticed that I haven’t been posting on social media recently. It has been feeling (and still feels) a little ‘off’ to me (and when that feeling is present, I know not to push it).
Some reasons as to why I’m not present on social media right now:
- I’ve been on a transformation and healing journey, unravelling. This unravelling is making me feel a little raw. So I’m holding back, protecting myself as I grow stronger in this new way of being.
- I’m honouring my sensitivity and avoiding things that zap my energy. Scrolling Facebook can really drain me if I’m not protecting myself. Or if I’m feeling a little fragile it can really shake me up.
- I get so easily sucked into the lives of others. I’m trying to get strong in myself, work out what my own beliefs are, so for me, this requires switching off to do so. Its about staying centered in self.
This all feels very valid and yet I couldn’t escape the knowing that this was the surface of it all. These were the things I was telling myself to conceal a deeper energy.
I was speaking to a friend about this and she shared that she loves social media because it makes it easy for people to find her and find the words/energy she’s sharing. I love this concept and yet it shows me that I’m still hiding. If I was proud of my work/message then I’d be shouting it loud and proud, right?
On further reflection, digging deep, I find it difficult to admit this …… it reveals a shame energy in me (now I’m really getting to the core of it!).
I’m ashamed of where I am in my life. I’m very proud of the internal shifts and changes that are happening, yet the external hasn’t caught up yet and so I’m afraid to share with you everything that I’ve been learning. Because how can I prove that the mystical journey I’ve chosen to take is worth it when there’s not much to show for it right now?
This isn’t surface level energy. This is deep. This shame energy has been there (I would estimate it really taking root in my mid teenage years) and now that I’ve done the inner unravelling work, its the hidden energies (the shadow) that is being brought to the light.
I opened up to my Mum on the phone about this last night and she got pretty ‘cross’ with me (cross is an Irish term for angry!). She got straight to the point and reminded me how incredibly lucky I’ve been to have the opportunity to take 2 years of my life and ‘clear out the gunk’ and get to know myself. She also pointed out that the shame I’m feeling is based on comparison and worrying about what other people think. I’m extremely happy, healthy and excited about life right now. While the external still needs to shift fully, I feel amazing. So if I stood strong in this energy then I wouldn’t feel shame. I’m feeling the shame because I’m comparing myself to others. I’m looking externally for validation. I’m worrying what other people think of me. Its also showing me that I’m still in an energy of judgement. If I’m worrying about what other people think then I’m also judging others and myself.
I never set out to work on my shadow, that was never the intention. I shared about transforming anger, another shadow, last week. The inner transformation since then has amazed me. I’ve made so much progress in one week. Transforming anger into passion. My love of writing has returned and I’m sticking to a writing routine (so far so good!) and enjoying it immensely.
I guess this is why I’m embracing this new realisation about shame. I know the power in facing and transforming this. A lot can happen in a day.
If I desire to embody more light and reveal who I really am, then I need to face these demons.
How interesting that trying to work out why I really don’t feel confident to post on social media leads to shame energy that has been trapped inside for years!
So how to heal the shame?
Stop worrying what other people think.
Admit the shame from the past.
Forgive the past.
Be compassionate and go easy on self.
I have made mistakes, embarrassed myself by my behaviour. But I need to forgive myself. I did the best that I could do at the time. As an emotionally sensitive teenager, heavily affected by my parents divorce, I rebelled and pulled so far away from the true Amy that I became a lessor, nastier, version of myself. That’s where the shame lays. I’m disappointed by my reactions and behaviour at a time I was incredibly vulnerable and shaken. This energy was so powerful that it has remained with me, hidden deep, and because of this I constantly worry what other people think of me. But as my Mum says “Everyone is so caught up in their own lives they probably don’t notice, and if they did, well it doesn’t really matter. What matters is how you view yourself.” It all comes back to self-love.
The layers are being removed and I’m learning that you can’t hide from things forever. Best to face them head on.
Sharing this with you today is a huge moment for me. I’ve been holding this energy in for over 15 years. I shared in this article that shame is an indication that we are hiding and not stepping into our power. An opportunity to be more supportive of self, to own our presence and power.
I now choose to transform this shame into openness and step into my power.
Makes me wonder what else is hidden and ready to be transformed now that I’m willing to face it……
I know this isn’t light reading, this can be pretty confronting. But my hope is that it encourages you to look at what you’re hiding deep and to forgive yourself. I want to emphasise that you’ve done the best that you could do in your circumstances and now have the power to transform this energy into something good. Don’t let shame, judgement or even anger eat at you. Lovingly approach your shadow and face it head on. Be open and vulnerable. Be compassionate and kind to yourself. Transform it into something beautiful. Love.
It’s not easy and no one can do it for you but you. You can ask for support or assistance from a friend, coach, healer, counsellor. You can pray to your angels for help. You can cry to your Mum on the phone! But ultimately this lays with you, how honest you are with yourself and how you decide to treat yourself going forward. With love and compassion. That’s where the true healing happens, that’s where the true freedom and empowerment lays.
How willing are you to shine?