“Who am I?”
That’s the question.
A while back, in this post I shared with you how I created the name True Shining Self. I also shared that the tagline “Discover The Essence Of Who You Really Are” was given to me by a disembodied voice just before sleep.
The tagline sounded pretty cool so I went with it, not really putting too much thought into the words, yet as time goes on the ‘need’ to find out who I am has been my major driving force. Pushing to discover who I am – Healer? Teacher? Writer? Daughter? Sister? Friend? Mother?
But I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. It’s not about ‘what’ I am, it’s ‘who’ I am.
And that ‘who’ is my soul. My precious soul.
As babies we’re as close to our soul-like self as we can be. As toddlers we start to grow our own little personality but we’re still close to that soul-like self of wonder, joy, play and unconditional love.
That’s ‘who’ we really are. That ‘essence’ – unique to each and every one of us.
This has come to a head for me recently as I follow my dreams. Leaving the Corporate world to set up my own business. I’m much happier yet I’m finding there’s still something missing. I’m in the position I’ve dreamed about being in and yet something still doesn’t quite feel right.
That something is the ‘real me’. I could continue pushing and striving, trying to accomplish things yet I’m still going to come up against the empty feeling of something being missing – well because it is, I’m not connecting to the real me.
I’ve had several signals and advice recently to connect with my Inner Child (my childlike aspect). I resist, well because she’s a wounded little child and I don’t like attaching into the pain, guilt and sorrow. Yep, there’s a very neglected little girl inside me.
I got the ‘pay attention!’ sign last night in a dream (having ignored all other signs). Archangel Michael appeared, I can’t remember exactly what he said but I woke in the morning with “Watch The Lion King” going through my head. I sat down to my computer at 9am to start my work day and was going through emails when I suddenly felt really flat. “This doesn’t feel right” I thought “I’m pushing at this, where’s the flow?”.“Watch The Lion King” found its way into my mind again. “Ah no, I can’t do that. It’s 9am, I’m supposed to be working” but the feeling wouldn’t go away. I fought with myself for an hour and then finally gave in, turned on itunes to rent the movie, next thing it’s 10am, I’m in bed with a cup of herbal tea, blinds are closed and “Circle of Life” starts playing.
There are many life lessons from this beautiful movie but these words stood out most for me:
- Mufasa’s Ghost : “You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.”
- Simba: “How can I go back? I’m not who I used to be.”
- Mufasa’s Ghost: “Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. ”
We are all children of God/the Universe. We are God/the Universe (or whatever higher power you believe in). That’s who we are.
And to discover this (or rediscover), well, it means connecting or reconnecting to the real part of us.
I’ve tried sitting in meditation, exploring different healing options, looking into past lives but it’s becoming more evident that the key to this is working closely with my Inner Child.
I was a sensitive little girl, highly empathic, picking up other people’s emotions like a sponge. According to my Mum (because I struggle to remember), I was a playful, fun, bright and joyful little girl. This seems so foreign to me – “Really? I was like that? I really danced and pranced about? She seems like a right little extrovert, but I’m so introverted and shy.”
Having looked into this further, fighting through the blocks I’ve put up, mentally going through each year chronologically, I have seen “little Amy” shut down more and more as the years went by. Closed in on herself. Not being able to cope with taking on other people’s emotions. I was drowning in it all. So I did what I had to do to survive and became more and more closed off and introverted in order to cope. I shut down and in the process I shut down the real me.
Which brings up a lot of guilt and shame. “I’m not living to my potential because I shut myself down”.
Yes, I’ve been really hard on myself.
Yet what else could a little girl do? She’s not to blame, nor the people around her. She did what she needed to do to survive and now she’s a grown up woman (she being me). I’m a grown up woman and I can now nurture that little girl inside me and show her what a strong person she’s grown up to be. One that can now protect herself from other people’s emotions. One that’s very independent and strong. One that now needs her help in showing her the aspects of herself that are locked away.
I’m working on integrating both our energies. Nurturing my inner child, little Amy, and opening up to her joyful essence.
This is just the beginning of my journey into this and I’m excited to see what more opens up.
I know this is a bit of a long-winded story but I feel it’s a real pivotal point in my True Shining Self journey and as such I wanted to share with you because this Inner child work feels so important:
Louise Hay says that “no matter how old you are, there is a little child within who needs love and acceptance.”
I believe that little child is a key to our happiness in life. Not the searching for jobs or purpose, more like living as our true selves – as we were as very young children before external influences determined who we became – allowing that sense of freedom to appear and flourish in our lives.
Your Inner Child
Your childlike essence.
Youthful. Free. Spirited. Creative. Intuitive. Inspired. Optimistic. Playful. Sociable. Energetic.
With an imagination that is totally free – free to explore and dream wonderful dreams.
Who were you as a child? Can you remember? What were you like?
Ask your parents. I thought I knew who I was but my Mum painted a completely different picture.
There’s a great chapter in the inspiring book ‘You Are Abundant’ by Belinda Grace. It describes re-parenting yourself which is basically you acting as a loving parent to your inner child. This technique doesn’t cure every childhood wound or trauma but what it does do is help your inner child feel happy, safe and loved which in turn helps you feel more lovable and whole.
“Re-partenting yourself allows your magical child-like energies to emerge more confidently, creating space for many forms of abundance” ~ Belinda Grace
Look to that child in you:
- Forgive him/her, you did the best you could!
- Imagine sitting with you as a child. What thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories arise?
- What does your “little me” need right now? (mine wanted to splash along the ocean shore today and to eat chocolate!)
- Take them by the (imaginary) hand and nurture them. Show them its safe to be who they want to be. Witness and feel how they open up and what qualities reveal themselves. See ‘you‘ emerge.
I know for me, the extrovert energy is getting stronger. I’m not sure working at home full time is going to be beneficial for “little Amy” when she wants to get out in the world and try out her new “emotional blocking” skills! Let’s see where she guides me. Watch this space!
Oh and I’d love to hear your “little me” stories in the comments below – who are you (the real you!)?