I’ve been diving deep into shadow energy, facing anger and shame. As tough as these were to face, I have experienced beautiful inner transformation. Anger has transformed into passion, shame has morphed into compassion for myself and realising an inner strength I didn’t know was there.
It appears however, that with my intentions to explore shadow energy, I’ve opened a huge cans of worms because it hasn’t stopped there. The shadow is well and truly revealing itself.
Next up: Judgement
The energy of judgement became very apparent to me with a couple of events happening pretty much simultaneously:
- I noticed at a workshop that I found myself judging others which led to me judging myself. I then changed my behaviour to fit in with how everyone else was acting – a massive disservice to myself, which led to more judgement and self-criticism and me feeling pretty crap about myself.
- Around the same time I received an email from a lovely blog reader who admitted that she had judged me. She shared that this led to a huge humbling experience for her, when the thing that she judged me for, happened to her. Her email has stayed with me because I know I judge other people online constantly and I’m making a conscious effort not to now – we never know the full story looking at an online screen.
This past week I’ve been very low on energy. I’ve been frustrated with myself. I know exactly what I need and want to do yet I seem to be judging myself continually. I’ve also been extremely critical of my appearance, more so than normal. Every little (perceived) fault or flaw has been like a big glaring ugliness. Its a horrible way to be and I’m not usually like this. On writing this its only just clicked that I’ve been low in energy because I’ve been attacking myself. My ego has created an image to aspire to and I’m continually striving to get there. Its a battle I’m never going to win because that’s not the real me.
I have an oracle card of a woman sitting in front of a mirror looking at herself with the words “Self Acceptance” written on it. I pulled this card last week as a focus going forward and it seems to create a weird reaction with me – like I don’t want to fully face it. I went to put the oracle card back in its box yesterday but felt a sudden urge to leave it out. I obviously hadn’t dealt with the message it was trying to tell me. So following the oracle card’s image, I got out a mirror and stared into it. I wanted to cry. I felt so sad. I realised that I couldn’t see the real me because I was looking at all my judgements. The beautiful me was hidden underneath all the flaws my ego wanted me to focus on – which has been draining the life out of me and preventing me from having the energy to do all the loving things that light me up. I’ve been exhausted because I’ve been focusing on the external rather than focusing on the love within, the love of who I am.
I asked my Angels for help yesterday because I was in a massive self-criticising slump and very low in energy. I was guided to walk, in fact the exact guidance was to march, to march it out. I was also guided to listen to Robert Holden’s audiobook “Loveability” while walking (marching!).
And what do you know, starting out as a slumped, exhausted, empty shell I walked for 3 hours along the coast and by the time I got home I was a bouncing, energised, ecstatic woman – marching to the beat of my own drum.
Loveability is a beautiful book – and of course, EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
I’ll share some of my notes from it with you:
- When you don’t feel loveable you pick holes in your appearance. The body is like a punching bag that takes one hit after the other and it has to carry the energy of daily attacks, mentally and emotionally.
- For as long as you continue to judge yourself, you go through every day as if you are on trial.
- Our self-judgement won’t let us rest. It’s exhausting!
- When we judge ourselves a shadow is cast over ourselves. It distorts our vision.
- Judgement always finds something to judge.
- The ego wants you to be an ideal self, and as you strive for this false vision, you judge yourself for never reaching this false ideal. Or when you reach the false ideal it still doesn’t feel right because its not the truth of who you are.
- When you stop judging yourself, something beautiful will happen to you, as each judgement falls away, your vision will be restored. All of a sudden, you will see your original face, the eternal loveliness will take place of the imagined ugliness of the ego personality. Love will reveal your secret beauty.
- When you stop judging yourself, you will stop judging others. The more you love yourself, the more people will feel loved by you.
- Self-acceptance is the absence of judgement.
These are only some of my notes from one chapter of the book. What really hit home for me is that I’ve been focusing on the dark energy of judgement, putting myself on trial every day, rather than loving and accepting who I really am, right now in this moment.
Yet its difficult to love yourself when you don’t know or believe in who you are. Not the conditioned you, the real you. Not the you that has taken on other people’s beliefs and patterns, but the you that has love and understanding as your core.
I am discovering, through this shadow work, that you must be willing and able to recognise the judgements you hold about yourself as old patterning and conditioning, the judgements are not the truth. That there needs to be a willingness to accept self lovingly, to look past what you think is distorted and look love in the eye.
I have shifted my attitude, waking up fresh this morning and have embraced every moment today with “What would love do?”, “How would love feel right now?” “I am love” – it’s been the most beautiful day. I feel energised, light and free. I’ve looked in the mirror several times today and even though its the same face looking back at me, because I’ve shifted and I’m loving myself unconditionally now, there’s a sparkle in my eye and I see a happy, beautiful woman looking back.
Love is a healer. Healing happens when you look at yourself through the eyes of love and see how truly loveable you are.
Give it a try. Make the shift from being judgemental and critical to love and acceptance – and watch what happens. Love will reveal and heal.
If you found this post useful, you might also like these:
Shadow Work: Transforming Anger
Shadow Work: Admitting Shame